My Complaint of Mattel's Magic 8 Ball...it ain't that magic.

Mattel, Inc.
333 Continental Boulevard
El Segundo, CA 90245-5012
tel #: 310-252-2000

Dear Mattel,

My name is Jackie Marculescu and I am a 20-year-old journalist, writer and all-things-psychic enthusiast.

Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to know how my future would pan out. Would I be rich? Would I be famous? Would I be rich and famous? Or maybe I would just marry some rich old dude...I'd be content with that too. I wanted to know what would happen to me and if I would have to work hard and earn my gratifyingly luxurious lifestyle or if it would just be handed to me...sort of like magic.
I had tried many psychic endeavors, everything from palm reading to tarot card spreads to getting naked and having my photo taken (the psychic said that was one of the best ways to tell someone's future...they never mentioned finding the photos on a fetish site the next week).

Recently I decided to put faith in one of your most famous and fun toys (next to that slut Barbie of course...I always thought she received more credit than she deserved).I figured this would be a cheap, non-naked way to find out where my life will take me.

I carefully read the instructions on the packaging. While doing this I also noticed the Magic 8 Ball was made in China. I was happy to discover this because I hear the Chinese have many powerful and ancient ways to tell someone's future. Kudos to you Mattel for trying so hard in making your products authentic!

The instructions say to think of your question, ask it out loud and then shake the Magic 8 Ball while concentrating on the query at hand. I did just that. I thought to myself, "Magic 8 Ball, will I be rich, famous and loved like Oprah (only hot) and will I have to do anything to get that or can I just sit on my ass and watch the cash flow in?" I concentrated harder than I've ever concentrated on anything before in my life and shook that 8 Ball...shook it hard. Finally I look down to see what my future will hold. I look down to see if I will become someone, someone important and influential, someone who the next campaigners for presidency will fight over for their support. So I look down and you know what the Magic 8 Ball says? "Focus and ask again." Focus? FOCUS? I WAS focusing! I was focusing on how filthy, stinking rich I was going to be so how could this piece of crap tell me I should FOCUS and try again?

Since I'm not one to question judgment, I popped a Valium or two, or five and did what the Magic 8 Ball said and tried again. This time I concentrated even harder. I thought of all the mojitos I would be sipping on my Hollywood hills rooftop next to my infinity pool. I thought of all the celebrities that will be knocking on my door and asking me, no begging me to be their BFFs and how I would have access to all those delicious, crack free, rich people drugs. I even imagined my billion dollar wedding to Larry Birkhead (what, he's hot okay?) to only get divorced 4 months later and get all of dead Anna Nicole's money. Well, technically it would be her dead first husband's money. I imagined all these things in my mind's eye and they seemed so real I could reach out and grab them. I shook the Magic 8 Ball. I looked down to see what it says.

"No".

Not even, "signs point to no", or "my indications say not today" but just a plain and simple "No".

This is when I got angry. I did everything Mattel told me to do and still I got nothing out of the deal. Does Mattel enjoy crushing people's dreams? Do they know that most people who play this game are children? Do they know that these children rely on this Ball to reassure them that their dreams will come true? What if some kid in Africa got a hold of a Magic 8 Ball and it asked it if he will eat the following day...and the damn ball says "No". That ball then has ruined that child. He was hoping for some rice and clean water and even though we all know he wouldn't get any...who are we kidding, the Ball still took away his hope for survival. I don't think that's very fair.

The Magic 8 Ball ruins dreams, it crushes hopes, and it instills fear into young, impressionable minds that they won't have food to eat, or more importantly, will not become rich like Oprah and hot like Jessica Alba. Mattel needs to apologize for this sick joke they call a "fun toy" and recall all of the Magic 8 Balls. Then they need to burn them all. And finally they need to pay for therapy for all those traumatized children.
North America's future depends on it. Oh and I want my $9.95 back.

Sincerely,
Jackie Marculescu

P.S. This is the last time I put the fate my of future into balls.