iPhones are really not that great...really.

Dear Steve Jobs,
When I saw the ads for the new iPhones I was very excited. Finally the iPhone was coming to Canada and I was planning to be one of the first in line to purchase one. I told all my friends and family that I was the proud future owner of an iPhone and how great it was going to be being able to go online and check really important things like facebook and Perez Hilton whenever I wanted.

Finally July 11th rolled by and I went to my local Rogers store so I could buy the reincarnation of God in a phone. I was aware that the phone was a bit on the pricey side despite the fact that you were purchasing it on a three-year plan but I had saved up especially for this very occasion. (What I did for that money I am under a strict contract which states that I cannot discuss it…not for my sake but for the sake of the public…it was really dirty).

I talk to the Asian guy at the counter, (not that it matters that he’s Asian, but I’m just stating that to enforce the fact that he knew what he was talking about…because you know, Asians are usually smart.) So Asian dude explained to me about the monthly plans. I was shocked…no beyond shocked to learn that the minimum amount a plan cost after taxes and system access fees was over $70 a month. And with that you could check like half an email. I told Asian dude that I did not need a data plan, from what I heard the GOD phone had Wifi so I could just use the internet on it at home, or in a Starbucks, or while driving up to other people’s homes and steal their unsecured internet signals. He said that he would HIGHLY recommend getting a data plan because if you didn’t and you accessed the internet using the Edge network by accident it could cost you thousands of dollars a month. Well I barely make $200 a month (again, I’m not allowed to disclose the nature of my job for the public’s own safety and state of nausea). I pleaded with him to remove the ability of data on my phone or put me in touch with someone who could do this but he said that it was just not possible.

Now, Mr. Jobs, this is when I really had to think…should I forgo my basic needs like food and water so I could get an iPhone? My heart was saying yes but my head was saying no. So, I sadly left the Rogers Store without an iPhone. I cried for a few days but then I realized I was so much better without your sad excuse for a piece of fancy, modern, ultra-chic, trying-too-hard technology. Yes, Mr. Jobs, I became bitter. Greatly so. So much so that it has taken me months to get over the fact that I could not afford to get an iPhone and that is why I did not write this letter sooner.

I am glad I did though. I want to tell you what a piece of crap I think the iPhone is. Because of it’s “touch screen innovated lots of big expensive words whatever” it leaves more scratches than on a hemophiliac who's recovered from a simple fall. It also loses battery really quickly and it's important to me to be able to listen to my “Best of the Bee Gees” album…but then again the Bee Gees were so super fly they could kill any battery with their smooth sounds. Also, EVERYONE has one nowadays so you really don’t look that cool with one anymore. It’s not like we have to travel to Buffalo to get one or anything. We can go to like the local strip mall and pick one up. Wow, so many bad things about the iPhone, too many to name.

I’ll do you a favour though Steve Jobs. I’ll let you make it up the fact that you disappointed me with your product. You can send me a free iPhone with free unlimited life service (voice, data, text, voicemail, My Five plans) and I will reconsider the iPhone. I can’t make any promises that I will change my mind but there is a possibility I won’t be as unimpressed as I currently am.

Thank-you for your time and I expect a response very soon,

Sincerely,
Jackie Marculescu