Maybelline Turned Me Into A Whore

Maybelline Headquarters

575 5th Ave., 14th Fl., New York, NY

10017-2422, United States
(212) 818-1500

Dear Maybelline,

My name is Jackie Marculescu and I am a 20-year-old woman who enjoys lukewarm bubble baths, watching kids fall in yellow snow, and wearing make-up.

I was recently feeling a little "down in the dumps". It was pretty bad. The Prozac I usually O.D. on wasn't having its effect anymore. I think I may have become immune to it from taking it so often. Since, as previously mentioned, I enjoy wearing make-up amongst many other exhilarating hobbies I decided to buy one of your lip glosses to cheer me up.

I walked into my local Shopper's Drug Mart and ran right over to the make-up section. I immediately knew I wanted something from your company, Maybelline, because I didn't feel like being "Easy, Breezy, Beautiful…Cover Girl". Not if that meant I would turn out looking like Queen Latifah.

I wanted to look more like Sarah Michelle Geller, or "Buffy" as I affectionately remember her. I didn't necessarily want to kick Vampire butt but just attract someone like Freddie Prinze Jr.

I was mulling over which lip-gloss to get (lip-gloss screams "I'm young and fun and flirty", oppose to lip stick which says "I'm old and if I don't already have a husband I need to find one now so I can have babies because my internal clock is ticking away.")

I finally decided to go with the colour "Cherry Drizzle". I thought this was a good choice because it just confirmed my lip-gloss is fun idea with the name of a fruit in the title of the gloss.

I went over to the cashier, paid for the makeup with my Shopper's Optimum points and skipped home.

As soon as I got through my front door I ran to the bathroom, opened up the packaging to my “Cherry Drizzle” lip gloss and slathered it on. It was red, but not too red and had just the right amount of sparkle in it. I immediately felt better! This was a way quicker fix than any meds, legal or illegal, I’ve ever taken. I decided that I wanted to go out with some friends since I was feeling so good. I called up my best friends Janine and Garofalo and we planned to meet at a really classy bar called “The Spread Eagle.”

Once there and wearing my new Maybelline lip gloss and cheetah print mini dress I sashayed past the slew of men at the bar. They were all staring at me and I felt very good about myself. I knew it must be the liquid sexiness on my lips. I then found my friends and sat down next to them. They had a complete look of shock on their faces and I thought they were impressed by my look! Little did I know, I was very wrong.

Janine immediately threw a napkin, emblazed with the “Spread Eagle” logo at me and said, (and I quote) “Remove that whore lipstick off your face.”

I was shocked! Here I thought I looked amazing. I also was angry that Janine thought I was wearing lipstick when I so specifically sought out lip gloss. I asked her what she meant and she told me, “You look like a single mother who just met with their kids’ principle and found out that her son is going to get kicked out of the school and when you tried to seduce the principle with sexual favors he told you that he’s not interested in drag queens.”

Garofalo just nodded in silent amazement.

I told them, “But this is Maybelline! This is the highest quality drug store make-up you can get after Revlon! They had a vampire slayer work for them for goodness’ sake!”

“Well it definitely doesn’t make you look like it’s Maybelline, and more like you’re born with it...with a defect.”

I didn’t want to argue with them, after all I had known Janine and Garofalo for a very long time and trusted their advice.

I then removed the “Cherry Drizzle” lip gloss off my lips and instantly sulked back into my depression.

So Maybelline, I am not asking for a refund for the lip gloss, simply for all the money I will need on meds now due to your less than stellar product.

Sincerely,

Jackie Marculescu